We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
