i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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