I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
