I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
