Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
