He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
