I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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