I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
