I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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