Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
