Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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