so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
