I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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