i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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