This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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