I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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