My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
