Will you blow on my dice?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
