i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
