i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
