You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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