thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
