yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
