It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
