from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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