I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
