If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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