sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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