the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
