Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
