Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
