Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
