he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize