That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
