woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
