i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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