then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
