doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
