the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
