if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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