Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
