she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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