She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
zippers are such a cool invention
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
