So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
