Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
