you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
