i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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