2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
