I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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