I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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