This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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