In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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