Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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