I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
