if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
