i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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