Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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