then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
