Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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