ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
