They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
