Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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