Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
