my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
