"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
