Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
