So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
